Ben Derrick interviews an E7 in the Army, discussing his experiences in the National Guard Special Operations. The speaker recounts his first deployment in 2012, highlighting the high operational tempo and the impact of losing Green Berets early on. He emphasizes the importance of transitioning back to civilian life slowly, especially after a challenging deployment. The conversation touches on the physical and mental challenges of deployments, the role of family support, and the importance of resilience. The speaker also discusses the need for civilians to understand and support the Special Forces community, praising initiatives like The Soldier Fund for providing essential resources.
Unknown Speaker 0:00
Music.
Ben Derrick 0:13
Welcome to the soldier fund podcast, the platform for untold stories from the National Guard Special Forces community join us as we delve into the lives of these elite warriors and the journey of our non profit dedicated to supporting their courageous mission to free the oppressed worldwide. I'm your host. Ben Derrick, let's dive in. Well, thanks for agreeing to sit down. I think this topic is going to be a good one, and in order just to protect identity, I think something we're always careful about, if you don't mind just sharing your rank and time's downrange.
Speaker 1 0:49
Yeah, so I'm an e7 in the army. I've been downrange three times. I've spent most of my time and National Guard Special Operations. I've done one trip augmenting with an active duty group. So that's
Ben Derrick 1:08
that's a little different. It's something we haven't discussed behind Mike. But sometimes active duty components use you guys, you know, sometimes they reach out to you, sometimes you reach out to them, right? Is that how that goes? Yeah,
Speaker 1 1:21
so it was over a decade ago now. So I started out in intelligence when I joined and did that for my first enlistment, and was lucky enough to be able to go on an Afghan trip. What year was that? 2012
Ben Derrick 1:39
Okay?
Speaker 1 1:41
And you know, the more years that have gone by, I realized how important that trip was for me, and in many different ways. First and foremost, I had never been on a deployment. And the second one was going with a group of guys that I really didn't know that had been doing six months on, six months off. And so they were man. They were weathered. But that implies, implies man they were, they were rock solid. And, you know, in 2012 the older guys were telling us like you missed it. You know, it's not like it once was just, you know, now that I've been in, you know, well over a decade, every, every peer group does that to the generation below them, okay, but no, it was, it was still going fairly strong at that time, we lost several Green Berets within the first two weeks we were there, which was an eye opening experience. When I'm talking to younger guys, always tell them like, you can it's like getting married or having a kid. You can read the books and all that stuff, but until you're actually in it, you really can't comprehend what it's like until you're there. And, yeah, the first time you know, you have to put a casket with American flag on the back of a c1 30. It's a it's life changing experience, for sure. But yeah, it was a good deployment. The Op tempo was fairly high, even though I wasn't out there the one doing it, I was in Operations Center, and that's kind of how I ended up becoming a Green Beret, is, you know, I was just burning me out these guys out there running missions every, every day and night, and I was just kind of watching from the sidelines, you know, I definitely had a role. And, you know, everyone who deploys that does, but I knew within the first couple weeks being on the ground that that I wanted to be in a spot where the action was instead of an intelligence analyst.
Ben Derrick 3:50
This is often the story, isn't it, that as I talk to you guys, sort of the typical path is not necessarily that 18x ray, it's more. I've been in, I've seen it. I see how that works and operates. I want to be one of those guys, right? We just heard a couple of those stories from the 60th anniversary dinner of Second Battalion. It was I saw it from a distance, and I just had to be a part of that. Even knowing all that that implies, like it's not just I go over to a guy's office sign a clipboard. Now I'm a Green Beret. I mean, there's a process there. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1 4:25
yeah. When I when I joined, I definitely didn't think I was had the maturity or the physicality to do it. And, you know, of course, I was right, because that's what I thought. As time went on, the the more interest. And because as soon as I got to the unit, you know, I started working with, with the Green Berets and the teams in different capacities, and really piqued my interest. But at, you know, little, little past halfway of that deployment, I. My now wife, was in a really bad car wreck, and you were talking about transitioning back, and you know, we were, we were getting pretty serious at that time, and a family member of mine died in that car wreck. And so I came home from emergency leave, and that was another eye opening experience about being in Special Operations is, I think, within eight hours of me telling, you know, one of the sergeant majors, or first line supervisor I was, I was on a plane headed back to the States, and there was a e2 from the 101st airborne that was on that plane with me, whose mother had passed away, and he'd been waiting for two weeks to come home, and finally his Chaplain had to go talk to his company commander. Was like, Hey, man, you need to, you need to sign this. This is ridiculous, and they were holding up her funeral to make sure he got home. Man,
Ben Derrick 5:55
not your experience. No,
Speaker 1 5:57
no, no. So winter had set in. The fighting had died down a little bit, and when they sent me home, they said, Hey, 10 to the 15 days, let us know if you're going to come back or not. If you're needed there, stay there. And at that time, the active duty groups were doing one to one, which is it's just hard to wrap your head around in some ways, six months on six months old, still having to do leadership schools and specialty schools. I thought, I mean, how that's possible? Yeah, it's, it's really admirable what those guys did during during that time frame. And, you know, divorce rate, I think, was above 90% at that time. Yeah, the battalion that I went with, so I got home, she had fractured her pelvis in four places, ruptured her spleen, bladder, you know, cracked verbs in her neck. It was, it was pretty bad, and she wasn't expected to walk for six months to a year. But she was, she's an athlete, and recovered a lot faster than that, but I ended up staying and staying with her at the hospital at night while her family stayed during the day. And we've been together ever since something else that happened. You know, just during that time, after a few weeks of being home, a mortar hit the option that we worked in. There's like an area there was like a closet in there, and it hid in there and it didn't, it was a dud. It didn't go off. No way. Yeah, so which was, you know, a fantastic thing, but kind of kind of felt like one of those things, that things work out, you know, in a way, because I was struggling with, did I make the right decision to go back or stay when, when there was so much going on at that time, there was one team after that deployment, eight members. The team had purple hearts. Two lost their leg. The team. Leader of that team was the the officer over selection when I went through, and which was pretty neat, and then, but my battle Captain got Tom and obste and went, replaced him, and then he got killed, and Afghan, they came back in from outside the wire, and Afghan turned his gun on him. So yeah, it was, it was a lot to wrap your head around. And I really didn't feel the effects or really appreciate what a deployment does to you until several years afterwards, you know, but I don't ever remember being angry during the deployment for the guys that that didn't come home, but I do remember being angry for my family member who died in that car wreck with my wife. Interesting, you know, because it was just, it was senseless. It's not supposed to happen. That's why we're over there, you know. And you just, you can't make sense of that. Yeah, so context matters, yeah, yeah. And I know guys look at deployments different ways, and it affects everyone differently, but for me, I just early on, kind of made a conscious decision that, you know, for the guys who who didn't come back, most of them, the ones that I knew, were doing exactly what they wanted to, you know, so I tried to never let it affect me negatively, and just wanted to live the best life that I could, to represent them, because I got a second chance and they didn't. And so I've always and I fail on them all the time, you know, but, uh, but yeah, I try to look through it, through that lens, to not, you know, go down a dark hole, and, you know, since then, I feel like it's kind of propelled me forward in a ways. Yes, it's helped me accomplish things that I would have never accomplished. Seems
Ben Derrick 9:55
to be a strong motivator for this population. I hear this part of the story over and over. Again, it's about the guy to my left and my right, you know, and I want to make sure that I'm not letting them down. The interesting part of what you're pointing out today is that's even posthumously, like, I don't want to let these men down. They were doing what they wanted to do. They ended up paying with their lives. But their legacy continues through the way that you are a Green Beret, you know, that's, that's a pretty unique thing, and I could actually imagine is a pretty heavy burden to bear.
Speaker 1 10:26
Yeah, yeah. If you, if you think about it too much, it can definitely make you feel like you're not doing enough,
Ben Derrick 10:36
right? Well, part of the thing that I'm wanting to get across through this podcast and and through this effort is there's a tremendous amount of invisible weight that a Green Beret carries. Part of that is for his family, his loved ones, even family of origin. Part of that is his family, inside the military, inside the teams. I mean, there's, there are basically two worlds that this soldier is caught between and feeling loyal to and a lot of times those worlds don't talk very much to one another, even though there's huge responsibility on both sides. So this is why we're here today, talking about transitions and deployments. Dr free mentioned on our last episode that time of transition he has seen through his career, lengthy career dealing with special operations guys, is that time of transition can be incredibly difficult, because you're moving out of one modality technically into another modality, although with National Guard, that overlaps and becomes a very messy gray area, you know. So part of my curiosity today wanted to get you behind the microphone is, thankfully, we share a relationship, and I've heard you talk about the post deployment transition and how difficult it is for various reasons. I'd love to capture that on Mike, because I firmly believe a lot of the GBS inside 19th and 20th support all the guys. They have a lot of the same experiences, but it's not something that we talk a lot about, so we get to do that together today. Of Yeah, these sort of things happen, or this is Top of Mind, or these are physical symptoms that soldiers don't discuss. I mean, there's a lot of ways we could go here based on your personal experience. What are the things that caused you to start having that thought process of this is a critical time in the life of a soldier post deployment.
Speaker 1 12:29
Well, I think one of the things that naturally happens from the time you decide to be a Green Beret is that from the from the time you go to selection, to Airborne School into the Q Course, you're in and out, you know, for weeks at a time. So you're, you're, you start getting synthesized to it in a way. You know, selections of several weeks long. Airborne schools several weeks long, seer schools several weeks long. Every you know what I mean. And you're, you're out of pocket during these times, and your family's not there. So the spouse starts to get used to it in a way. I know every marriage is different, and everyone has a different set of circumstances. I've been I always tell people when I when we're like, doing psych interviews or or anything like that, I'm like, and they ask about what my relationships like with my life. I'm like, oh, that's easily the most stable part of my life. Like she's she's my rock. And without Without her, I probably wouldn't have succeeded in certain areas of this career, career field the way I have, but each time, each trip is different, each training exercise coming back delivers a different scenario, like the first trip I did after graduating, we moved into a house, had our youngest child, And two weeks later, my team and I were headed overseas, and, you know, you really have to have a decent foundation to pull something like that off. Man, yeah. And coming out of the Q, course, something that I talked with my wife about a good bit was how I felt like I need to do a better job as a father, that I wasn't always present. I had a hard time getting in the floor and playing with the kids without thinking about 1000 other different things. And that's something that I've adamantly worked on over the years, and I've read books done different things to help with that. And it's still something that I struggle with at times, but something that I work on all the time and and for me, after a trip, I try, you know, to take. Several weeks and just give it all to them. And a good example of it on my wife's side is, is, before this deployment, we were talking about, you know, taking a trip to Europe after, and about halfway through whatever, I brought it up like, Hey, are you gonna do you want to plan this? Well, you know, whatever you want to do, we'll do because, you know, she's endured in the deployment, that's right, yeah. And so you call the shots here, yeah. And so as we get closer, then I bring it up again, and she was like, No, I don't want you being on from the kids for a week or two after you get back. Like, we just need to be together. And so that's what we did. We didn't, we didn't travel a lot. When I first got back, we made to a weekend here there, but just spend time as a family and really lock in. And, you know, I don't come back in and, you know, swing the hammer at the house and, like, these are the rules now, and all that stuff, you know, because she's been running it by herself, and so I, I've intentionally ease back into that role as the husband and father without infringing upon the rules and stuff that she's established. Like, oh, you've been doing it wrong this entire time or something like that, because that's not productive, right?
Ben Derrick 16:13
Yeah, I do have this conversation a lot, though, yeah, just to be frank, there's a lot of guys that are motivated when they get back, like, I'm gonna win the day, you know, yeah, it's a really healthy motivation, yeah. But they move in and, you know, suddenly I'm sitting with couples, helping them navigate where the spouse is saying, Look, I've been I've been reading the stories, doing the bedtime, making the snacks. Like, yeah, the word that the spouses normally use is a rhythm, like, we have an established rhythm, and we don't need you to come in and mess that rhythm up. I can see, though, on the face of the soldier, like, man I I'm a little bit lost if I don't have something like a hook to hang my hat on, what am I doing here? Like, am I just, am I just, like a guy that you call out during timeouts or halftime? Or, how does this work? Yeah,
Speaker 1 17:02
to me, and I the reason why I said it the way I did. I remember a psychologist going through the Q Course talking about that, about easing back in during some briefing we were getting. And I just remember it really got my attention. And so I've always implemented that when I got home and it's not just coming back in, like Dad's here, just just being there, yeah, and helping out where I can, but it's no different than showing up to a new team. Like, you know, every now and then gal show up to a team and he's loud and trying to make his presence known. But most people, it doesn't matter what your experience is when you show up to a team like you, you just kind of need to be there and be quiet and take it in and let your role amongst the team develop as time goes on, once
Ben Derrick 17:55
you're accepted. I agree, there's something to be said for paying rent. You know, like, I'm just gonna show up and pay rent for a minute. Yeah, and it's a little bit odd though, in your in your most intimate, trusted agent relationship, to fall into that role, but you're saying there's a preferred end state there. There's a bigger purpose, or a bigger why it's a temporary season, and maybe just to empower soldiers and spouses. Listening to this. It's a great strategy temporarily, you know. And you'll both know. I would assume the way that you guys talk about it, both parties will know when it's time to fully reintegrate, right?
Speaker 1 18:30
Yep, yeah. And it's just like anything else, you know, you get back and you're in that honeymoon phase, and everything's perfect and all that. It's, I don't think you have to start working stuff out for a few weeks after you get home. And I remember the first like from this most recent trip, which is only like, Yeah, a few months ago, a few months ago, yeah. So, you know, maybe a month, month and a half afterwards, I, you know, I could feel things were getting a little tense. I felt like I was getting tense. I felt like I could, I felt like things were starting to trigger me a little faster than than the recent weeks. And I was, you know, self aware enough to kind of say, Well, why is this happening? I felt like she was tense too, yeah. And some of that's just from the demeanor that I was starting to carry and some of that. But anyway, you know, maybe four to six weeks after getting back at the longer the trip, the longer out it is, the shorter the trip. But you know, you kind of have to have a tough conversation, talk about the elephant in the room, whatever that may be. It could be big or small, and yeah, and you know, then that that starts the progression of getting back to zero. And, you know, I don't know if there's any data out there, but I would imagine, you know, to get back to to whatever you consider your baseline is, probably takes two or three months for it, for it to truly be. Way back to, you know, a baseline,
Ben Derrick 20:04
yeah. Well, even a small elephant can do a lot of damage, yeah. So I appreciate the fact that you know you're talking about taking initiative there. You know, part of my curiosity is knowing the type of man that You are. You're pretty squared away soldier like you. You like to think about the cognitive component, the emotional component, the physical component. You take your physical training very seriously. I'd like to dive into that for just a moment. Because of all the GBS that I talk to, that physical component seems to be a big mystery, right? Why am I feeling the way that I'm feeling physically? Why is it more difficult to perform? What's going on in my sleep? Like there's a lot of questions that swirl around there. I feel that most especially the civilians that are listening in really don't understand deployments. I mean, we've watched deployments on the news, quite frankly, and we just don't get the details of what that can do to a soldier psychologically based on the type of deployment. Thankfully, you've already explained a little bit of that today, but every deployment isn't the same. Every deployment has a different effect coming back in the door, right? So could you just briefly, kind of describe your last deployment, obviously, top level, because this is very recent, but the type of deployment it was in, in some, potentially, some of the physical effects,
Speaker 1 21:27
yeah, can, can I start though with what your your first question was, though was the cognitive portion And the physical portion? Yeah, so from the beginning, you know whether, whether you're gonna be a Green Beret, seal, whatever, in order to be successful, anything that's hard, whether any other profession, you have to be extremely honest with yourself and what your weaknesses are. And I'm one of those people that I didn't have a strong suit, you know, like,
Ben Derrick 22:05
I don't believe that for me. Well, okay, well,
Speaker 1 22:08
so when I had a break in service, and when I came back in, when I decided I was going to do this, a few months before I signed back up, I got on a scale, and I weighed like 157 pounds. I just that the job I had at the time, I was just Mountaineers and just running like crazy to to be successful in that in that career field. And so the first thing I had to address was my physicality. So I hired a nutritionist. I got in a CrossFit gym for six months until I got my mobility and strength back, and then started focusing on a selection plan, you know. And then, you know, probably seven, eight months later, I was, like 190 pounds, nice. Well, then the next thing I had to figure out was, was academics. I graduated high school with like, a 2.84 and strong, yeah. I mean, I did good up until about junior high, and then, you know, other things piqued my interest. And so I had to be very honest with myself very early, because none of it I felt like, came very natural to me. So like, when we got into the academic portion, or any phase that I was in, whatever I felt like I was struggling with I'd find someone who I considered to be the best around me at whatever, and I would just, you know, ask them to help me study or train with them or whatever. And that that really kind of helped me cross, cross that bridge of uncertainty, because I didn't think I was capable, and I had impostor syndrome, really bad. And, you know, it's like, but the But, the good thing about the Q courses is you're getting tested so much physically and academically, which I didn't know it was that much going into it, that, yeah, like performance anxiety, of tests and all that stuff eventually goes away. Because you're just, you never know when it's going to happen. You know, it could be a pop quiz on something you were told the day before, a week prior, wow. And so you truly you can some some guys can have big enough brains or the physicality that's already there that they don't have to put in as much work. Most everybody has to put in some type of work to be successful. So going back to the cognitive physical function, like at the first part of it is just being honest with yourself what your weaknesses are and working on those things. And I think, you know, we talk about different generations and being spoiled and and all, all that kind of stuff, and not getting outside and, you know, they're weaker and all that. But I haven't been around a generation yet that was really good at accountability
Ben Derrick 24:52
as well. Said, Yeah,
Speaker 1 24:55
that's a hard thing to do. It's it's easier to give somebody else advice than it is to follow your own advice. Mm, hmm. And anyway, so that's why
Ben Derrick 25:03
I started a podcast, yeah, just slinging advice out there to other people, yeah,
Speaker 1 25:06
so. And then, all right, segue and into this past deployment. This was a unique deployment, because we we went into this trip with a certain mission, and then once the Israel Gaza War took off, it changed everything for us. That was pretty quick, too. Yeah. I mean, immediately, it changed the whole dynamic of the area we were in, which changed the dynamic from everything from our policymakers down to how the team you know, saw
Ben Derrick 25:43
the battlefield. So let's slow down just a little bit there, because you and I shared a conversation in Primo, where we were talking about all these things, yeah, and there are plans that are made going out the door. This is the type of deployment we're expecting. This is where we're going to be. This is the landscape around us. And you're saying, within the first couple of days, all that's all that's changed, yeah,
Speaker 1 26:09
so the first, the first month and a half, we were there, it was that way, and, you know, and it was exactly what we expected, what we thought it was going to be, and we were just kind of, you know, doing exactly for the 75% of what we thought we'd be doing, and and it was, it was a good time. And then, like, we weren't, you know, the doing, like direct action or anything like that, but we were training up our partner force to go, to go eradicate the last bit of the problems they had in that area. Well, once, once the Israeli gospel war kicked off, the whole dynamic changed with everything. And most people were listening to this podcast have somewhat of an idea, but you have Shiite and Sunni, and then one's aligned one way, and one's aligned with a neighboring country. And so we started getting attacked from, you know, militias inside the country, and then we really couldn't do a whole lot about it, and, you know, from the public policy maker down, right? And so that led to some tensions, right? Because you, you spend so many years training to do something, and now you're, you know, we're, we're actively getting attacked quite a bit, right? Large percentage of days, yes, large percentage of days for quite some time, and
Ben Derrick 27:44
we're not really here to debate public policy. Yeah, no, no, this isn't about that, and for sure, but I do think it's important to pause here and say public policy has an effect. I mean, yeah, everything eventually lands or ends with the soldier.
Speaker 1 27:57
And I guess where I'm going with that is, is we felt like we probably had more control than we did at times on how we our perception of our reality was, and how we were gonna or how we wanted to deal with this situation. And there was no tolerance for dealing with it at all, really. So we were just kind of in a defensive posture, which
Ben Derrick 28:21
that's not a Green Beret posture. No, no. So
Speaker 1 28:23
we didn't have anybody to fight. So, yeah, you know, we had little Spats among, among the team. And, you know, until we realized, like, Hey, this is just the handware dealt because it for for a couple of months, there was, like, every day was something new. Like, oh, we may be doing this, we may be doing that, or, you know, just all kind of stuff. It was just different every day. But then once we realized, we realized, no, we're just, we're gonna hunker down and get through this trip. And, you know, things got better, and some in some ways, but definitely cause tension at the at the lowest levels because of it, which was, which was unfortunate, and
Ben Derrick 29:03
also, yeah, not unique, as I understand, nah,
Speaker 1 29:09
yeah, you know, you put, you put a bunch of Type A's together, or strong personalities that are, you know, somewhat above average, physically, somewhat above average, intellectually, and everybody's right at times,
Ben Derrick 29:26
and everybody's stuck together, yeah, yeah. So you
Speaker 1 29:28
gotta have some humility and circle back around, get everybody pulling the wagon together.
Ben Derrick 29:32
And so much of that dynamic depends on the leadership right? And you guys had good leadership out the door.
Speaker 1 29:38
We did. We did. We had a we were very fortunate, because it's always it can be a roulette as far as that goes. And I've just, I've been very fortunate my entire career to have good leaders, two of the best NCOs that impacted my life. Even Green Berets and and that's never been lost on me, just just how much they cared and influenced and mentor and all that, all that kind of stuff. But going back to the cognitive side of it, you know, we were getting attacked repeatedly, and after a while, the only way I can describe it is, is kind of like a tornado, like, you're just synthesized to that sirens are going on, yeah? Sirens going on, like, again, you like, walk out of your room. You're not running anymore. You're just, yeah, yeah. Or you don't get up at all, depending on, you know, like, after a while it happened enough, like we you could tell what it was, you know. And you're like, Oh, that's not that much of a threat. I'll just go back to sleep. Or, wait, oh, no, this one's, this one doesn't have much reaction time. I should probably get up and get my stuff together. Or, you know, or depending on another instance, it's like, well, I need to get the bunker right now. But, yeah, you just get used to it, and it becomes not a big deal at all. And going back to the family thing, I think you know, several of my teammates experienced this with technology being as good as it is, and in communications and everything, compared to my first deployment over a decade ago. You know, you can FaceTime and and talk a lot more. So I was talking to my wife on FaceTime, and she was at her parents house, and my kids were there and, you know, sour and start going off or receiving indirect fire, which I know is not funny, but you know, we had to get up and go outside to deal with this situation, so she didn't hear from me for a few hours. And you know that's a lot to burden as a spouse,
Ben Derrick 32:01
yeah, it's like you're far away, but you're very close at the same time. You know, I referenced this probably too much, but it's my own life experience. My dad was in Vietnam 13 months, throughout 13 months, he spoke to my mom once for two minutes over a wire. The rest were letters, and those are still in my parents attic, yeah. So there was, to some degree, as he describes it, that separation was good, you know, like I'm I'm here, and this is where I am. There's nothing I can do about there, right? Yeah, what I see with you guys now is that you're pretty consistently stuck between these, these two worlds, because you can, you can see bedtime happening on occasion, or you can have these really detailed conversations about how things are going at home, however, you're stuck overseas. You're also stuck overseas, not actioning certain things, so after a while, that can kind of do something to a guy's mentality, I would assume. And
Speaker 1 32:56
it's probably different for each guy, or, you know, maybe close with some and different for others, depending on what your relationship's like. And what I was most impressed with that night after we got back and all that, I text my wife and was like, hey, everything's good, I, you know, or whatever, and we FaceTimed and and she wasn't upset. She She was it's like, Hey, I know what you do, and that's the that's the risk you take, and I'm not going to do myself for the kids any good if I'm just here in shambles. And I know that there was times that definitely affected her in different ways. But I was just really surprised to her resilience through some of those tougher weeks that we had where the attacks were pretty consistent.
Ben Derrick 33:51
There's a word that certainly marks this community, doesn't it? Resilience? Yeah, it's a very big deal. Yeah.
Speaker 1 33:57
I think one of the guys in the teams always says, You can't beat effort, and effort does beat talent most of the time, but yeah, effort and resilience through through any portion of training or deployment to be successful, you've Got to have it, otherwise, the littlest things, like the smallest elephants, as you said earlier, can really cause a problem if they're not addressed correctly. And, you know, I run Ultras too, and always ask guys, what motivates them to run long distances, and I get a get a unique answer every time. I'm sure it's pretty it's pretty neat getting, and I don't think I've done that enough in the teams, you know, kind of getting guys perspectives of what motivated them through the through the tougher times. I think sometimes we're just like, ah, everybody can do it, you know. It's not that hard, you know. And so we just for. Right, but, you know, put it to the side. But yeah, I think everyone has a different way of dealing with whatever the tough time may be. Yeah,
Ben Derrick 35:13
the challenges. I mean, every man who's in the challenge faces it uniquely. I think, though it may be helpful for people listening today to talk about what support looked like for you coming back from deployment, like what what things were important for you, or what things actually made an impact, whether it be from peers inside of the unit or from family, are there certain elements that make a big difference for you? And now that you've been out and back a few times the like, Man, this is really important thing for me, is ultra, ultra running? Is that part of that? Yeah,
Speaker 1 35:49
for me, ultra running is it's not a stressful thing. For me, it's, it's a hobby, and I feel like it allows me to dump a lot of and process a lot of stuff during that time, because, you know, the longer the miles are, the longer the hours are, and you know, it's just you and yourself out there pushing through before far as the support side goes. You know, I'm fortunate to be in a unique situation where we have a lot of family lives around us, and that's kind of one of the beauties of the National Guard, which not just because you're the National Guard, doesn't mean you get that I was just right fortunate. It's possible to be born where I was born, yeah, but that helps a lot having knowing that my children have strong grandparents to help them out and fill that role of somewhat of a manly figure when I'm not there. That that helps, that helps me a lot, knowing, knowing that the other thing is, since coming back from this trip is HPW has been wonderful.
Ben Derrick 37:07
That's good to hear. Yeah,
Speaker 1 37:10
I know different guys had different thoughts at the brain tat thing, but I did get a
Ben Derrick 37:18
little strange there going into the library, the guided meditation.
Speaker 1 37:22
But for me, my brain never stops, you know, yeah, I have ADHD, high functioning anxiety, and it's perfect for this job. You know, oh yes, when things aren't chaotic that I'm kind of like, what's wrong? Yeah, why is it? Was something not wrong, but, but, yeah, I thought the brain TAP program was really good to just cut the white noise in your head to allow you to shut down and go to sleep. And when I got diagnosed with ADHD, the therapist that I was seeing like had me read this book that was essentially that, you know, mindfulness and meditation to kind of give your brain a break and and I really didn't. I was having a hard time with it, because I really even reading the book and trying to follow the PDF instructions and all that. I was not doing a great job. But then when the brain tap was introduced, I was like, Oh, this is what she was trying to do the entire time. And it does work. Yeah, that's my my sleep definitely improved, and I was going to sleep probably 1015 minutes faster than I usually do. And, yeah, I mean, I'm sure most of the people in this community, you know are, we're just switched on a lot, and it's hard to it's hard to turn that off in any situation, and I try deliberately to do it, especially in social situations with people who are not in this community, because, because this, I've had a few friends make comments like, what are you zoned in on right now?
Ben Derrick 38:57
Yeah, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 38:58
And I'm like, Oh, I'm just thinking of, you know, thinking about this or that. Have nothing related to my job or whatever it could be, like, cleaning up my yard at the house, but I'm just, like, very intensely thinking about, like, Okay, this is how I'm gonna do it, step
Ben Derrick 39:10
by step. Yeah? So that's part of the crossover, right? Yeah, where you guys are trained. So it's not necessarily. I've had these conversations sitting at a restaurant, and I kind of have to do the Hey man, you know, yeah. And a guy's like, man, you so you don't understand the stuff that I was just thinking about, like, if something happened, how would I get me and you out of that door? Yeah? And I'm thinking about, you know, fried pickles. But that's, that's part of the experience, that the invisible nature of what's going on, just that immersion in your trade, and it becomes a way of life. Yeah,
Speaker 1 39:43
it does. Sometimes I feel like I get giddy about, like, short weekend trips or vacations, because I'm like, Well, you know, we're traveling 800 miles by vehicle. You know, I need something for flight. Car. So I have this battery operated, you know, inflator. I've got a tourniquet in case, you know, we got a car wreck, you know, bandages and things like that. And you can go way down that rabbit hole. And I try, I try not to, but I have a basic, I think most of us do have a basic checklist for sure, family outings, in a sense, while
Ben Derrick 40:23
at the same time everyone else in the car is like, is there a buckies on the way? Yeah, totally different wavelengths here.
Unknown Speaker 40:30
Can I get some fried chicken and french fries?
Ben Derrick 40:33
That's it. But you talking about your brain needing a place to focus or a challenge to engage with that seems kind of ubiquitous across the board. I'm really intrigued by that. Do you find that similar? Yeah,
Speaker 1 40:48
I sometimes I think it can be self destructive for me, because well, and it's not just me. I've watched I've watched this over, over a period of time with a lot of people in our community, and I think you see it with high achievers a good bit. Not that I'm necessarily one of those, but I think at times, once you feel like you've accomplished what you're after. I've heard it described as like, a marathon mentality, like, well, I've done it. I don't really have to do it again. But in this career field, the to me, the guys that I look up to and that are the best in the business, never have that. I made it attitude. And they're only as good as you know, their last shot, and you gotta constantly being improving and bettering yourself. So for me specifically, I can't speak for everybody, but I know at times I get stuck in a rumory state, and it makes me think I should be doing other things, and leads me down these, you know, like chasing shiny objects. Well, I go to this school or, you know, maybe I'll take this next step in my career, you know, I'll do this to help me out in the civilian world, or or whatever that may be. And it can kind of hurt you at times if, if you're not present in the current situation you're in and focusing on the things that you're supposed to be affecting. And I've seen that time and time again as well, and I've been there myself when, when you're supposed to, like, say, this is your job. You're you're supposed to be doing X, Y and Z, and instead, you're doing a, b and c, because you feel like that's what's important, but other people are depending on x, y and z, and if you let that fall, well, it takes a lifetime to build a reputation, and you can ruin that so quick, especially in our community, because we're, you know, we're pretty judgmental among like, amongst each other, which isn't a bad thing. That's one of that's one of the things I love about it, yeah, accountability. You mentioned because, you know, you know, I've been called out several times, and it hurt my feelings, but it damn sure made me clean up whatever I wasn't good at, you know, yeah, that's right. And, and I've grown to love that aspect of our business and but it's hard at first. It's hard at first to accept constructive criticism, you know. And here in the south, that's not a thing. And so sometimes I go home and do it to friends and family, and it doesn't go over so well, and I have to apologize, yeah,
Ben Derrick 43:35
if you're too direct, you know? And this is another thing that you're describing, I think I know actually, that I hear a lot in close conversations, the way that you guys Excel inside your community, the men that you've become, the tactics, those things don't often translate into the civilian world. So for the soldier listening right now, the GB, who's National Guard and is having that battle. They're not AGR. They go in the deployment, they spin up. They're literally heroes. You guys won't talk about it that way, but I can. Then they get back and they're doing an awesome job, working mortgage, HVAC, landscaping, you know, you name it. I mean, the guys are across the board in a career law enforcement. How do you help a guy navigate that space, that dynamic that you're talking about, where I'm only as good as I was yesterday, right? This
Speaker 1 44:34
is, this is going to be direct and harsh, too. But what I've learned coming out of the military, my first time, when I had my break in service. And to put it bluntly, is no one gives a shit. And the sooner you realize that the better off you are. It doesn't matter if you were the best, you know, Green Beret seal, tier one operator in the world. If you come back and someone hires you to do a job and. You, you wear that on your collar that well, I'm this. I've done all this. It doesn't matter. It's just like, going to a different school, like, you know, some guys will, you know, be go to a school, and some of our courses require a bit of humility, and, you know, and, and I'm guilty of it as well. Sometimes you got to put that aside and be like, Okay, well, just because I've done all these other things doesn't mean I'm going to be successful in this. And just because I was successful at these other things doesn't mean this is going to be given to me. And each each phase of your life, each new school, each new career, requires the same amount of energy and respect as the big things that you did. It's probably about eight, nine years ago. I was I ran into this, this, this Green Beret at a restaurant, and he and I went to the bar, and we're just talking. And this was before I started. This was right, probably before I went to selection, or maybe I'd already been selected at this point, but I hadn't moved to start the Q Course. And this, this particular person has excelled in life in many different ways, and he's a doctor now, and he was talking about how hard residence he was. I'm like, yeah, man, but you've done a ton of hard stuff. And he turns and looks at me just square, you know, super serious. And was like, you know, none of that matters, right? And I was like, I know. I was like, I figured that out about a year and a half ago. And wow, he was like, you can only control what you can control and nothing else matters, no matter what you did five years ago. Yeah, it helps. It definitely helps get your foot indoors and where you want to be and all that. But if you don't get it's like having all the qualifications and then getting on target and cowering, which is like the worst fear any of us could have, or, you know, you can have all these qualifications and all these things on your resume, but whether you show, show up and do a good job is really all that matters in that particular moment.
Ben Derrick 47:13
Man, that is a that's probably the best that I've heard that put in a couple years. So I'm going to be thinking about that more, as I'm sure our listeners are, and it leads us into kind of our which we could do this all day, and maybe you could come back and we could do more of this, but more of that reflective place. If, if you could let me go there for a second, yeah, if you could go back to that guy that was graduating the Q Course, knowing what you know now, because a lot of those guys are listening in to this podcast, you could grab them by the shoulders and you could tell them, you know, one important thing, if you were the guy at the bar with them, what advice would you give them? Probably
Speaker 1 47:54
circle back to what I said earlier, like identify what your weaknesses are, and work on them. Because in the Q Course, it could be public speaking, it could be physicality, it could be sleep, you know, or you know, we all have weaknesses in different ways. And one thing that I appreciated about one of the phases that I went through was the the NCO, I see that was over that particular course. It didn't matter if it was, you know, a five mile run in the morning for PT or a quiz or a major test, or whatever it was. He documented all of it, and then he'd put, he'd put it in Excel and put it up on the on the wall of where you finished and how you did. And so I never really for me when early on, I just told myself, I'm going to try to be in the top 10% of all these metrics. And that's pretty ambitious. Yeah. And and I, and I did, but I worked really, really hard to do it. And was it necessary? Probably not, but, but that was the first time in my life that I'd ever put so so much energy and into everything, into every aspect of it. The only thing that I probably could have given more attention to is language phase. And I just, I was, you know, we were dealing with a lot of stuff external to language at that point in time, but that's still no excuse. But, yeah, language did not get the same, the same energy that everything else got, but, but that would be my recommendation, is be honest with yourself, see where you fall, set a goal of where you want to be among your peers. And for me, I felt like the top 10% and myself, we all kind of gravitate. Towards each other as well. And I've kept up with quite a few of those guys, and man, just the things that they're doing now and that they're going to do in life is just mind boggling.
Ben Derrick 50:10
Yeah, pretty awesome, which is also consistent inside the community. So let's wrap this way. This would give you an opportunity full permission to be that direct, honest. These are the weaknesses, because this is what's important to me as a civilian. I've dedicated the past couple years of my life to being in the top 10% of civilians that give a damn and are helping, and it's working to some degree. That's what a little bit of what this podcast effort is about, because I respect you so highly. Yeah, I would love to hear what you believe the civilian population can do to support to be in that top 10% of people that are coming around, National Guard, Special Forces community.
Speaker 1 50:58
Well, I think you started this about two years ago, right? Colonel on board. And anyone who's been around for a while has seen things like this come and go, and so first of all, you stuck with it, and then, you know, a lot of stuff has come to fruition in the past six months that she started working on two years ago. And I'm sure over those two years, there was plenty of times where you're like, Man, I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I can go down, I can go back and do other things that I had planned in my life. But she stuck with it and and just watching what you've done with your nonprofit and all the things that you've brought to the table for us has been super beneficial. Like, I mean, the temporary mattresses I had, I didn't know how much of a difference that was gonna make, you know? Like, I'm like, well, I should be comfortable sleeping on the ground. I'm like, you know, the $500 mattress I bought off Amazon should be just fine, right? That's right, and, but I think it's also on us as Green Berets in the community to take advantage of these things and really give give the program the same amount of attention that you're giving us. And for the donors, man, I got the first off to be in the position to give to an organization like yours and to support us is is incredible, like they obviously did a lot of things right and life, and that should not be lost on any of us. And I'm sure I know at times, people like that like to be around us, and I like to be around them just just to get their perspective of life and how they got to where they are. Always find that fascinating. So, yeah, thank you. I don't really have an accountability statement for that, but, but I do have appreciation, yeah?
Ben Derrick 53:02
Well, it's an honor. And I think for me, it's an honor that I want other people to be able to experience and to share, to feel like, in some small way, we're contributing to the larger cause that is doing good all around the world at all times. I mean, that's that's a great investment to make. You know, to know that a few dollars put behind the efforts of you guys committing your life to this, and anytime I have one of you guys behind the microphone, I take some time to say this, but my admiration respect for you individually, also for the lifestyle that you've chosen. Thank you, and for all the civilians that can't be here in the podcast studio today, I say a collective Thank you, and we are extremely appreciative no matter the dialog in current culture. We are extremely appreciative that men like you exist and are willing to stand on the tops of buildings and ride in home vs and move into villages and help children from being sex trafficked and fathers from being murdered, those kinds of things that are going on we can't do and you are doing. So thank you very much for your service in that realm, and thanks for taking the time to sit down today.
Speaker 1 54:16
Yeah, I very much appreciate it. I think at the beginning, you brought up what it's like coming back after a deployment. And I feel like, you know, there's a large percentage of us at times that are you come back and you're dealing with family and you're flustered that things didn't go your way at times and all that, and you're like, well, maybe I should get out and move on with my life and all that stuff, but that that doesn't linger around very long, because this is, I don't even consider this a job, you know, like I can't replicate this anywhere else. And, and as long as I'm doing and I'm going to do the do the best I can for the guys that I work with and for the people we represent. And, you know, I think we're all thankful for you. For for the help that you brought to the table and everyone who supports this,
Ben Derrick 55:07
thank you for tuning in to the soldier fund podcast. If you're inspired by the stories of these elite citizen warriors and want to support their mission, visit us at the soldier fund.org your contributions help us to continue to back the Special Forces soldiers of the National Guard as they fight around the world until next time, stay committed to stand with those who serve you.